I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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