Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
