I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
