Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
