Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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