Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
