I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
