i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
