he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
