Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
