I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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