i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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