I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
