I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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