I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
