Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
