Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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