My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
