Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
