My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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