Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
