You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
