drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
two words: eviction party
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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