and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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