You're a womanizer and a bitch.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
