Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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