Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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