and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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