I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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