so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
