Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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