It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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