then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
