allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
