NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
