i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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