i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Randomize
