Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
