you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You took a bar mat shot.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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