I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
