i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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