i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
