I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
