I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Just pee around me
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
