I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize