Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
