I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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