Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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