They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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