you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize