My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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