What did we do last night that was yellow?
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
