He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Randomize