I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
