You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
