matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
You took a bar mat shot.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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