I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
