my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
