my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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