I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
