what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
