I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
