Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
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