it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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