I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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